Team Carden Primary’s Task Five Feedback:
What exciting, nail biting endings you all created…
There were some simply fantastic moments in this last task, full of fabulous descriptions, tension and cliffhangers. Some of my favourite parts were: the Brighton and Hove Albion themed flying saucer (– this really made me laugh! Brilliant!) Snaky Sasha’s Snake House. A history changing stone circle. A yellow goo grenade. SWAT teams jumping out of helicopters – just to mention but a few! What a talented bunch you are Team Carden! I simply cannot wait to see your finished books now…
😊 😊 😊
Here is some individual feedback:
Wow! What a dramatic ending! I absolutely loved the power the amulet had over Dead Beatrice – how it froze her and made her see the error of her ways. A truly great ending!
I still want to know more about what ‘the strange stuff’ coming out of the ground is? Perhaps you can describe this a touch more when you write it out in full? I only ask because you write descriptions so well – and I REALLY want to know! Great work!
Oo, the Bob story! I am always happy to catch up with him!
Ah, bless Bob for realizing that he didn’t really want to hurt anyone, and instead going off to save Alex. I thought this was a really great twist at the end. Well done!
But, I still really want to know who exactly the person is who captured Alex? Can you expand on this a little more when you write it out in full maybe?
The part of your ending I was the most impressed with was that fantastic last line, when the mayor congratulates Alex and Bob for being so brave and gives them the role of Protectors of the City. This was a really neat way to end your story and left me feeling completely satisfied. You did exactly what I asked for from the ending, by tying up all the loose ends. You totally nailed it! Huge congratulations!
Wow! Back to this brilliant Crown Jewels heist story! And what a super opening – ‘stomping to a locked black door, covered in silky spiderwebs.’ I can really visualize this – great writing!
And, I also adored how you described the veins in Diamond’s wrist bulging because her hand was being held so tightly. This kind of detailed description really makes the reader engage with your brilliant storytelling. Extraordinarily great writing skills!
Another part I’d like to mention, is your description of Diamond’s attempted escape, and how she ‘chopped’ on the handcuffs – I could really see and hear this happening.
I think Diamond is a fantastic character. I love how prepared she is at the end with that parachute too. She really is a super villain isn’t she! Amazing work!
I love the part you play in this story, with that ring, heading back from ASDA! Hehe! (You always put in a shop or two, don’t you? Which is great! It makes the world you have created feel everyday – but it’s not – it’s actually ‘magic’ in the everyday. Very clever.)
Wow, we all know that feeling when you sense someone is following you but aren’t quite sure if you are imagining it or not. It’s a very spooky feeling isn’t it? And, in your story, it is made worse because someone IS following you – and that person is… BOB… THE MASS SERIAL KILLER! YIKES! Yikes, and triple YIKES!
I was super relieved when you produced that AMAZING yellow goo grenade to overcome him. PHEW! I was seriously happy to see Bob taken down by all that sticky, yellow slime. A fabulous ending. Ace work!
What an exciting scene you have created; you and your mum jumping from building to building, trying to escape, but everything is crumbling away. Exciting stuff indeed!
I really want to know what is going to happen next? I hope you and your mum get away!! (I’m biting my nails!)
What a lovely description you use of Sinthea Star, ‘squealing like a banshee on the loose.’ Brilliant. (I always really enjoy your descriptions, you are a fabulous writer!)
The tension you build in your writing is simply amazing! I loved how you slowed the action right down (just as I asked) – spine tingling stuff!
And, then… the creature was… her DAD! Fabulous!
Just an idea, how about tinkering with the ending and having her dad being after the orb at the very end? See what you think – it could be very dramatic? Maybe, it could even teleport them back to Mars or something?
I really love your ideas and writing style. FABULOUS!
I love your use of speech in your story. This line in particular: “No need to worry? NO NEED TO WORRY?” Using those capitals worked brilliantly!
I really want to know if, or how, Sir Quentin (the Gecko!) is involved? Because I love him as a character!
I also loved, ‘667 Dark Avenue.’ What a great atmospheric choice of place name!
I thought Violet finding the necklace was brilliant too! A great ending – I wonder what’s going to happen next?
I always really enjoy your writing style, I find it very engaging! Excellent!
Aw, no – those poor children locked in the basement, never to be seen again! Yikes!
I loved how you left Tiggy Tiger in serious trouble, with all that thick water rising up her body! Tense stuff indeed. Well done – I really want to know what happens next! Fabulously exciting.
Goodness me, Stealer Sam (and his mouse!) are in serious trouble. Water! Stealer Sam’s worst nightmare, is swirling up his body! Whaaaah! – and… HE CAN’T SWIM!!
Thank goodness for that piece of foam floating past that saves him. Phewee!
You created great tension in your ending. Well done! Fabulous!
What a great and dramatic ending you have created! What with that SWAT team swooping down in their helicopter, and them all piling in to help with that police dog! What a fabulous scene!
I know I shouldn’t, but I feel a bit sorry for Marv!! I really want to know what happened next, that’s for sure! BRILLIANT WORK!
I loved how you had Mal bash her head when she was trying to break into the house, and that the sound of it woke Zoe up – a great idea!
But, goodness me! What a gory ending! One that was full of tension. (I felt very sorry for poor Zoe though!)
I thought the pacing at the end of your story was great. Very dramatic and scary (I won’t be able to sleep tonight though!) YIKES!
I love how Deigo started to glow – making him super powerful, meaning he could defeat the monsters! Ace! And, also Diego saying, “Now it’s just you and me Deathsythe.” Super dramatic – I was totally hooked!
I find your writing very visual, which is a real skill to have. I love how Deathsythe creates a bubble, trapping them both inside and using it to draw away Diego’s powers. Yikes!
What a super brilliant cliffhanger, having Deathsythe’s spirit wanting to find a new host! And, so the adventures continue… Nail biting stuff indeed. FABULOUS!
Right. Mystery Mark – I so LOVE him. It was brilliant how you took me straight back into the action, with Mystery Mark replacing the ‘moss covered’ stone to complete the circle!!
- MY. WORD… The power of the completed circle is powerful enough to change history! YES!! (– no wonder Mystery Mark is smirking!)
WOW! Didn’t Harry do well overcoming Mystery Mark like that? But… YIKES! The stone circle is still generating history changing power! What an incredible cliffhanger!
AMAZING! What a truly terrific cliffhanger. High five! LOVE IT!
What a great chase scene you created at the end! And well done getting Deadly Dan’s weakness in there too – his fear of dogs! Brilliant! And great use of speech in your story too!
Yikes! But the rubber on the end of the magic pen has GONE! DuhduhDAHHHH! Well done you! ACE.
Wowsas! You start off bang into the action with this piece! Great! But I feel super worried for Jake! He’s been really badly hurt, and the Red Knight is still after him. Really tense stuff!
But then, in a mega twist, Jake finds himself in prison. At this point I felt relieved he was ok, but, just like Jake, confused too…
Then, in a final twist, the prison guard tells him that the Red Knight wants to see him! YIKES! Out of the frying pan and into the fire!
You have created a really imaginative and tense ending, full to the brim with twists and turns. BRILLIANT!
I thought the rival football teams shaking hands at the end of the match was ace, very sportsmanly indeed! But then, in a twist, all hell lets loose back in the changing room, doesn’t it?! There were punches flying everywhere! Yikes! Very dramatic and scary. I was ducking for cover reading it – and super glad not to be in those changing rooms, that’s for sure!
I loved the twist you put in at the end – how despite drawing the match, Bullys FC won on goal difference! I bet they were chuffed!
I think you have delivered a really well thought out story. Well done you!
Slime falling from the sky is ace! – how wonderful! And then, to top it all, a UFO arrives! But, not just any UFO… a blue and white one, with a Brighton and Hove Albion badge on it!! Hahaha! I was reading this chanting, “GO SEAGULLS!” BRILLIANT! This addition is not only totally bonkers, but also absolutely in keeping with your football themed story. TREMENDOUS!
Question: Does this mean that Billie Buster is in league with the Albion supporting aliens then?
Billy Buster is ace! But, do we ever find out who that man was he was fighting with? You may want to slip this detail in when you write it out in full maybe?
(By the way, I must tell you, your UFO arriving is one of my favourite moments from Team Carden’s work. FANTASTIC!)
So, we arrive back in your story at the battle, and, OH NO! Those demons are zapping dirt at Tragic – which is his weakness. I can really imagine Tragic dodging all those blasts of dirt! Very dramatic writing. Excellent!
A quick question: Are the demons on the Guardians side? – I wasn’t sure?
Thank goodness Tragic is overcome – as it really was very touch and go wasn’t it?! You created a perfect dramatic ending. Well done you!
I straight away loved how Miss Bee had become a real bee! A brilliant idea.
Thank goodness that clock got smashed to pieces! PHEW! What an excellent ending! 😊 But, Miss Bee must be super cross now! I bet her stinger is itching to get its own back!
Well done you, a great story!
FANTASTIC work yet again TEAM CARDEN! Your writing is always full of drama and surprises!
I cannot wait to meet you all and see your finished books! 😊😊😊